mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
