My cat gives me a boner
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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