i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
