so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
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