need another drink. this is the easiest way
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
