just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Your dad touched me again.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
