I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
