Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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