I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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