Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
