She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
