On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
