Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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