bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
