I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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