I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
