I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
