You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
