don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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