so that wasnt chicken after all
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
