I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
