Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
