So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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