i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
