Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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