shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
