Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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