I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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