i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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