Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Randomize
