1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
