so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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