Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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