things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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