I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i think my cat just said my name.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Panties = found
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
