I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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