Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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