Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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