everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
