i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
