And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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