I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
