just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
