I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
