It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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