ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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