i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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