i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
