Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
