Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
